How to Bathe a Cat

 Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
 That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to  popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that  resembles Tide (with or without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a  variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped  last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your  dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water  And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a  bath is out of the question.  So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this  is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of  Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total  lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

 1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
 suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

 2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a
shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
 3.5 seconds.

 3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
 before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

 4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still
 need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the
 shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in
 the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper
dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire...
the cat barely notices you anyway.

 6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is
 essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the
 bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the  cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock,
 locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the  water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.  Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has  soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a  wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body
 as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give
 another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

 8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
 vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the
 glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
 rinsing himself in the process.
 9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat
 will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use
 the next attempt on the first available part of you.
 10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part.
 By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become
 semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat , reach for the bottle of
 Kitty Bubbles.

 11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg
 and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the
 cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for
 wrapping the towel around him.
 12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
 enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and  step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure  until all you can see is the shredded towel.

 13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
 cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog  while plotting revenge.